@FaisalAdam_

Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.

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@AKcrazy18

Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.

@AnOrangeSNES

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

@fro_vo

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

@ClichedOut

me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers

her: it’s cool i don’t like music

me: ok we have 2 problems

@jabba_jabba_jaw

Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go?

God: That’s when you were dating that psycho. I wasn’t sticking around for that.

@littlemy

tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.

@better_off_dad

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

@sock_holliday

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’

@causticbob

My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.

It was a picture of her at the airport.

@Sassafrantz

I’m always a big fan of the prison teardrop tattoo. It says I’m sensitive but I’ve killed people.