Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
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Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go?
God: That’s when you were dating that psycho. I wasn’t sticking around for that.
tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I’m always a big fan of the prison teardrop tattoo. It says I’m sensitive but I’ve killed people.