Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.

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Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.


Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.


Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*


Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.


” National No Bra Day”?

I say pics or it didn’t happen day.


[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.


waiter: what would you like to have?

me: bring a milkshake with two straws

date: *smiles*

me: *puts both the straws in my mouth* look how fast I can drink



ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!


*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*