@GoldenSpirals

Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.

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@CoolCamel69

“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*

@missokistic

Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.

@sixfootcandy

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

@lazerdoov

Gramma gramma gramma gramma gramma chameleon she’s old and cold she’s old and coooooold

@gtfml

Never ask me “Who hurt you?” unless you want to sit through a 13 hour PowerPoint presentation.

@ArfMeasures

Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!

Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing

@aissalanis

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.

@chemical_scum

One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?

Show your work.

@rachelle_mandik

[millipede preschool]

head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…