@GoldenSpirals

Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.

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@GianDoh

*Hits Rock Bottom*

Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.

@robo_junkie

I want to get arrested by a motorcycle cop just so I can hold him tenderly around the waist on my way to jail.

@hayes_t_r

Chemists do tell jokes, but there’s no reaction because all their people skills Argon.

Omg, that’s Sodium funny, right? Na? Okay.

@dadmann_walking

My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call

@BlindVigil

Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:

When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?

@Sean_Burgundy_

Just for once I wanna be able to explain after I say “I can explain.”

@donni

Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses

@RidiculousSheri

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: omg are you playing with that damn potato again

ME: don’t listen to her Mashleigh she’s just jealous of what we have