Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.

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*Hits Rock Bottom*

Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.


I want to get arrested by a motorcycle cop just so I can hold him tenderly around the waist on my way to jail.


Chemists do tell jokes, but there’s no reaction because all their people skills Argon.

Omg, that’s Sodium funny, right? Na? Okay.


My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call


Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:

When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?


Just for once I wanna be able to explain after I say “I can explain.”


Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses


Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.


HER: omg are you playing with that damn potato again

ME: don’t listen to her Mashleigh she’s just jealous of what we have