Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.

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“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*


Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.


Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.


Gramma gramma gramma gramma gramma chameleon she’s old and cold she’s old and coooooold


Never ask me “Who hurt you?” unless you want to sit through a 13 hour PowerPoint presentation.


Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!

Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing


I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.


One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?

Show your work.


[millipede preschool]

head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…