@OhReallyRach

Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.

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@walks_on_legs

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow

@Ygrene

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA

@lazerdoov

Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips

@RobertManchild

Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.

@omgthatspunny

Do you know why the Little Mermaid wears seashells? Because A and B shells were too small

@daddydoubts

My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.

@DadZZZasleep

[pearly gates]

Pete:

Me:

Pete:

Me: was it my browser history?

Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

@kimtopher22

My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.

@AngryRaccoon2

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.