Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
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Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch