What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
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Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Do you know why the Little Mermaid wears seashells? Because A and B shells were too small
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
How does one make tacos.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.