I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
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interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
me doing my best
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
*serious situation*
My brain:
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer