Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
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Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
*3.5 thank you very much.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.