@UncleDuke1969

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

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@Kyle_Raney

How to open a letter:

1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO

@JasonLastname

Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.

@kv8

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

@gobmentcheese

If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.

@internetluke

Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true

@sarbeaaaar

MY DENTIST ASKED HIS ASSISTANT TO SUCTION (THE WATER OUT OF MY MOUTH)BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS TALKING TO ME SO I SUCKED HIS FINGER. IM MORTIFIED

@stevevsninjas

Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *

@jergarl

*takes ambien

Oh.

You said NO ambien before dinner at your parents.

Wife: Really?

Me:*already getting naked* I’m sure it will be fine.

@orange_rhymer

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*

@Brianhopecomedy

“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”

“Uhhh….why?”

“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”

“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”