@UncleDuke1969

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

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@MelsLien

Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane

Airlines: $16 for bag of chips

Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75

Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for

Airlines:

Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies

@wickedsuga

DON’T TOUCH ME! AND YOU’RE BREATHING WRONG! STOP IT!

-wives, on their period

Or if they’re hungry.
Or if you are actually breathing wrong.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?

@GrantTanaka

the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy

@sock_holliday

A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory

@Gupton68

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

@Brampersandon_

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

@glo_stevens

I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.

@ValeeGrrl

4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?

@SJKSalisbury

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.