Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
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50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.