* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
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When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice