[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
gruesome if literal:
a coat of arms
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Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
My brothers’ families:
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.