@UnFitz

gruesome if literal:

a coat of arms

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@_Tempo11

[me dress shopping]

“Ohhhh that’s cute”

*an 80 year old buys it*

@kelkulus

Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.

@BoomBoomBetty

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

@awkwardphilippe

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie

@notthenanny

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

@TheAlexNevil

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

@mrjohntofu

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

@TheBoydP

[two coworkers walk into my office]

Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!

Me: Where?