My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
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A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?