gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
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Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
life finds a way
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude