Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
You Might Also Like
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents