Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

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John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone

Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park

John Hammond:


John Hammond:

Me: I need to hear you to say it, John


Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.


Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.

Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.


The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.


Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.


Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.

It means I’m a parent.


[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings


So my wife doesn’t like the new body wash she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like kiwi apricot for the next four weeks.