Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

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Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.


When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.


Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.


People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?


I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.


911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..


My mom just learned how to text. And her text to me said “can you hear me?”


“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”

They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!

*crowd GASPS*


DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text

DOG FRIEND: which color heart?

DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one