@DanKCharnley

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

You Might Also Like

@DrakeGatsby

John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone

Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park

John Hammond:

Me:

John Hammond:

Me: I need to hear you to say it, John

@KentWGraham

Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.

@mommajessiec

Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.

Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.

@pdxjohnny99

The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.

@KateWhineHall

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

@sarcasticmommy4

Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.

It means I’m a parent.

@haleysfalling

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

@IndecisiveJones

So my wife doesn’t like the new body wash she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like kiwi apricot for the next four weeks.