Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

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I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over


Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.


Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.


Deranged Extremist 1: We’ll drown 100 kittens.

Deranged Extremist 2: We won’t drown ANY kittens.

Cool Centist: We’ll drown 50 kittens.


[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]


Do they make a scale that says things like “Those shorts probably weigh, what, like 15 pounds?”


Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.



The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums


Bikini season is just around the corner.

Unfortunately, so is the Mexican restaurant.


THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?

ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy