Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
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Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
If I got a dollar every time a girl said I wasn’t her type, I’d be her type.
First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ???? ? ???
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan