Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Guarantees in life:
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
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Plate tectonics is just God playing with a Rubik’s Cube
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Headed to a wedding and my guy friends told me to take pics of hot women for them.
Found this in my kids room
“Can I get a rum and coke, no straw” I ask the bartender, in hopes of an eco-friendly cutie overhearing me and falling in love with me at eye contact, when in reality all I get is a rum and coke with a straw because the bartender didn’t hear me over God’s Plan playing loudly
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
I once met this guy who was so creepy that his van had a basement.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?