Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
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Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I enjoy a good short stor
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!