@thetits

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

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@chairkeyre

Plate tectonics is just God playing with a Rubik’s Cube

@AmishPornStar1

If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…

My wife is available.

@Browtweaten

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

@Nawyourecrazy

Headed to a wedding and my guy friends told me to take pics of hot women for them.

*selfies*

@lucas_mingote

“Can I get a rum and coke, no straw” I ask the bartender, in hopes of an eco-friendly cutie overhearing me and falling in love with me at eye contact, when in reality all I get is a rum and coke with a straw because the bartender didn’t hear me over God’s Plan playing loudly

@omgshuddup

Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack

@scrirc

I once met this guy who was so creepy that his van had a basement.

@cellapaz

If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?