I’m at my most immature when girls misspell “cologne” and start talking about how bad a man’s colon smells
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
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No. Still the wrong hole.
Only ONE in each hole!
Ugh. Here! I’ll show you.
-Helping my kid put on a swimsuit.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
“why does this taste like chocolate”
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.