guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
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Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
#SuperBowl
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.