@MNateShyamalan

guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-

guard 2: AAAAAAHHH

guard 1: always screams

me: doesn’t that get annoying?

guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome

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@EliHansenMusic

I’m at my most immature when girls misspell “cologne” and start talking about how bad a man’s colon smells

@DumbConfessions

Wrong hole.

No. Still the wrong hole.

Only ONE in each hole!

Ugh. Here! I’ll show you.

-Helping my kid put on a swimsuit.

@donni

Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes

@TheBoydP

Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.

@VerifiedDrunk

If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

@Fred_Delicious

[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”

@boxergraphix

#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring

@eddiesnextwife

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

@mikeym00n

My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.