@thepunningman

Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk

You Might Also Like

@thepunningman

[Restaurant]

“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”

Yes please

“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”

@copymama

Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”

@TheAlexNevil

[first day in prison]

Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”

Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”

@reallifemommy3

Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!

@FuckabillyRex

I accidentally started this account when I was looking for a banana bread recipe and things have gone horribly wrong.

@thepaulahunt

“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.

@sofarrsogud

WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!

ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!