“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
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Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
I accidentally started this account when I was looking for a banana bread recipe and things have gone horribly wrong.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!