Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
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Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.