Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
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Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then