There’s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.
“Guess I’ll turn on the news to see what the government is up to” – The President of the United States
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Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
Stupid cats, can’t even YOLO
Most women who’ve dated me will tell you I’m about an 8 on the pain scale.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.