Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
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‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.