“Guess I’ll turn on the news to see what the government is up to” – The President of the United States

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There’s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.


Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*


Most women who’ve dated me will tell you I’m about an 8 on the pain scale.


BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats


You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.


god: next up for 2020-

angel: crap, what now?

god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS

angel: i’ll get legal


I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never


Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.