I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
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can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon