“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
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[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
the noise i just made
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?