Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
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[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Okay, I’m still confused…
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though