Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
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Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
craving $300 all of a sudden
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?