Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
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Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
this is 10/10 content no notes
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”