Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
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On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
journal
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no