Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
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Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis