Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
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Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
#Caturday
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.