[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
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Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Oh yeah that’s it
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today