GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
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They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
My five year plan is a meteorite
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*