Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
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I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I support this random dude and all his protests
I feel seen
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
I have a place for everything. The floor.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something