@noog

Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards

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@platinum2000

I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?

That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.

@jctwritesstuff

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

@jazmasta

It’s spooky how many kids look like their owners.

@gitson_shiggles

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.

@HealthUntoDeath

“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist

@runolgarun

*TSA officer opens my suitcase, disembodied fist pops out and punches him*
me: sry sir I forgot I packed a powerful punch
*TSA guns me down*

@Michael1979

REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:

4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training

@MeetYourDaddy

Forget waterboarding. You want confessions? Lock the guy in a room with a laptop, a Twitter account and a bottle of whiskey.

@SortaBad

Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days