“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
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I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
saving face 👀
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.