@Social_Mime
@RunOldMan
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
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@RunOldMan
@ZombieProblms
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
@katya_411
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
@Prero22
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
@_ElvishPresley_
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
@JH_Moncrieff
“I don’t understand…we’re a grocery store. Do we really need an editor on staff?”
Yes. Yes, you do.
@_laurabee_
woman next to me on the bus just asked me to read her text to her as she’s forgotten her glasses.
‘dog has shit entire length of kitchen.’
@GingerHotDish
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
@JimmerThatisAll
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
@shadygrenade
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.