@Social_Mime

Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.

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@RunOldMan

No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.

@ZombieProblms

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

@katya_411

uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is

@Prero22

Person: It’s not rocket science.

Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.

@_ElvishPresley_

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

@JH_Moncrieff

“I don’t understand…we’re a grocery store. Do we really need an editor on staff?”

Yes. Yes, you do.

@_laurabee_

woman next to me on the bus just asked me to read her text to her as she’s forgotten her glasses.

‘dog has shit entire length of kitchen.’

@GingerHotDish

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.

@shadygrenade

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.