No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
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I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
“I don’t understand…we’re a grocery store. Do we really need an editor on staff?”
Yes. Yes, you do.
woman next to me on the bus just asked me to read her text to her as she’s forgotten her glasses.
‘dog has shit entire length of kitchen.’
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.