Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
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Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.