Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
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My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.