Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
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Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.