(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
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WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Everyone is awful in their own special way.