*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
You Might Also Like
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
If only.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
love it when they get my name right
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others