Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
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ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Otters see a butterfly.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
My circle of trust is a meatball
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities