Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
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[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Check out the legs on this baby
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE