Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
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Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
next level snooze
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Stick it to the man
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
When you kidnap a writer.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club