@Hadzilla

Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel

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@DanMentos

BOB THE BEER DROPPER: I make the worst decisions
ME: hold my beer

@ScottyBondo

Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny

@ieatanddrink

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

@CourtneyBale

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

@pinupteacher

My cab driver just described Seattle as “Not that horrible of a place.” Get that guy a job on the tourism board.

@iresurfaced

Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.

@LostFelicia

My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.

@bvinson23

I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.

@delusions_of

Seize the day. Take a nap. Knit a sweater. Rob a bank. Take another nap.