@kibblesmith

Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”

Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun

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@DiamondLou69

Feeling a little sad…

…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.

@bridger_w

At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of

@ObscureGent

[first day as a paramedic]

How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?

@FattMernandez

I’m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.

@OllyiConic

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

@markydoodoo

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

@TheDjinnTrials

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes

@erica_rosie

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

@skittle624

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.