@kibblesmith

Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”

Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun

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@Brettagher

“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”

@WilliamAder

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

@littlemzbadass

The four stages of a day off:

1. I will do so much stuff
2. Later I’ll do lots of stuff
3. Eventually, I’ll do some stuff
4. Oh no.

@bananagrvyrd

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

@KKAlThani

Can’t believe Nintendo didn’t make a commercial for the Wii where a guy breaks up with a girl by saying “It’s not you, It’s Wii”.

@ladyignoble

Note to younger women:

Remember, men are always after just one thing: your snacks.

Do not leave the refrigerator unlocked.

@TheAngryMailGuy

At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.

@Smooheed

There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug

@LaLa_Lyds

My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.

@illuminatedwndr

I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore