Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
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At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
I’m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.