Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
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The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
I’m crying im so happy for them
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.