@kibblesmith

Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”

Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun

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@TheDairylandDon

A magician begins pulling scarf after scarf after scarf out of his front tuxedo pocket until Steven Tyler slowly fades away from all photos.

@okimstillhungry

Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”

@MeetingBoy

I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?

@KenJennings

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

@MouthOfSass

If you’re appraching a 5th wipe you should just take a shower.

@lamefactory

911, what’s your emergency?
What do you mean you’ve been stabbed?
People can’t do that, that’s illegal.

@DothTheDoth

As your goth healthcare provider I urge you to drink water. There is nothing more attractive or intimidating than a hydrated goth.

@CChilllll

My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:

Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat

@Stellacopter

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

@brynnester

[Confession]
Me: I wish Jim was alive. He was my best friend
Priest: Jim is alive. I saw him yesterday
Me: Yeah I was getting to that part