@GrowlyGrego

Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.

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@pleasantchime

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

@ThugRaccoons

Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver

Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud

@PanicRestroom

Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself

@amydillon

I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”

@kendragaylord

Me: Compassion is my compass.
Him: We’ve been lost for 3 days and you gave your coat to a bear that looked cold.

@CrowfootJim

When women get to a certain age they start accumulating cats. This is known as the many paws.

@decentbirthday

My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.

@trentistweeting

[all the dairy products r hanging out]
Milk: lets go drink
Cheese: yea
Yogurt: yea
Whipped cream: my gf says i cant. its scrapbooking night

@PaperWash

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.