@MarfSalvador: me: [kicking leaves in the park] wife: how are you getting your leg so high

@mela_shea: Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on! Him: Me: Him: that’s a plastic produce bag Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!

@LostFelicia: I bought new sunglasses that blend well with the color of my hair so I won't feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head

@SatansTongue: Give me a massage "Mm okay" *rubs oil all over her* *things get hot* *things get too hot* *she bursts into flames* "Dang I used petroleum"

@scott_towel: Well, Lassie, maybe it's time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he's going.