I’m close to $100,000 deep in student loans for my English degree and I just used the word “awesome” 10 times in a row to describe a guy.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
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People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
[sprains my ankle]
Doc: does it hurt when you put pressure on it?
Me: Let me check
Me: [to ankle] c’mon dude try it, it’s only one cigarette
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
[at my date’s front door]
wait, so you’ve known i was a koala the whole time?
[me clinging to her arm slowly eating a leaf]
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.