Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.

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if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost


*dumps Gatorade on an alligator*
How does your family taste you green piece of shit


Him:You married?

Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?

H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-


H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry


Netflix: Continue watching?

Me: *can’t find tv remote*

Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up


I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision


*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*


Friend: Look on the bright side
Me: [walks away]
Friend: Where are you going
Me: To talk to someone who doesn’t say shit like that


“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.


What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?

Starchy and Husk