Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
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Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Noted.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work