@mydanimarie

Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.

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@JayDee422

I’m close to $100,000 deep in student loans for my English degree and I just used the word “awesome” 10 times in a row to describe a guy.

@lmegordon

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

@LaziestCanine

[sprains my ankle]
Doc: does it hurt when you put pressure on it?
Me: Let me check
Me: [to ankle] c’mon dude try it, it’s only one cigarette

@erica_rosie

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

@LibyaLiberty

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

@sixfootcandy

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

@KeetPotato

[at my date’s front door]
wait, so you’ve known i was a koala the whole time?
“yeah”
[me clinging to her arm slowly eating a leaf]
how tho?

@surrealvehicle

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

@NewDadNotes

[parking garage]

FBI: got the file?

Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]

FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing

@Book_Krazy

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.