HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
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[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.