Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
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That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
How disturbingly inappropriate would it be if “Thomas the Tank Engine” was set in early-1940s Germany? #ThomasDieKleineLokomotive