@MNateShyamalan

guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees

me: yes sensei

guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature

me: did he succeed, sensei?

guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard

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@J0hnnyBlaze

If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

@batkaren

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

@partlyfunny

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

@Marlebean

I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.

@badAzz_mom

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

@gurl_sour

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.

@elle91

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

@DammitLarry1

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

@gossipgriII

using microsoft word

*moves an image 1 mm to the left*

all text and images shift. 4 new pages appear. in the distance, sirens.

@carlyken

“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians