@MNateShyamalan

guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees

me: yes sensei

guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature

me: did he succeed, sensei?

guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard

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@brianbowman73

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

@GrandadJFreeman

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

@eddiesnextwife

My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.

@dshack8

LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.

L-O-L!

@Meldiesattheend

If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.

@PatsATweetin

[dumps water on judas]
jesus: check it out. i turned water into whine.

judas: what the hell?!

jesus: oh judas, don’t be so cross.

judas:

jesus: wut?

@ilovepie84

Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.

@Jeffwni

13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.

@ThaJawn

UFO: *lands on my lawn

Me: *peeking through blinds* better not kill my grass