guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
You Might Also Like
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.