If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
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ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: You should get tested.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
using microsoft word
*moves an image 1 mm to the left*
all text and images shift. 4 new pages appear. in the distance, sirens.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians