*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
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I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Seek kebab; not attention
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.