GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
You Might Also Like
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…