@KalvinMacleod

GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields

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@TheBoydP

Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:

7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That

@hippieswordfish

[in traction] Before you ask, yes you can make cheese from moose milk and no I didn’t think she’d spook so easy.

@BigFatNothing

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

@AnnietheNanny1

I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.

@Chumpstring

[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar

@sonictyrant

[Invention of the bullet proof vest]

Me: just shoot me, it’s all good

*single gunshot*

Me: *clutching my leg* the vest, Richard, shoot the vest

@liv_thatsme

Just locked eyes with a spider, but instead of killing him, I ran away & hid so he can spend the whole night stressing about where I am.

@solsayswhaaa

I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

@Marcmywords2

“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”

OMG! This is just the middle.

Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.

@ClichedOut

my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager