GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
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Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Called it
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
I like crazy people until they notice me
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/