Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
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How much for the goth pool noodles?
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
🥶🥶🐶🐶
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Breaking news:
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊