@_GrahamPatrick

GUY #1: You free next week?
GUY #2: Let me just check my dairy.
GUY #1: You mean diary yeah?

*cow walks by with “dentist 11.30” on it*

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@JustinGuarini

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

@Social_Mime

Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.

@envydatropic

I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor

@schumoo

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

@MaryKoCo

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it

@UncleDuke1969

WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”

@Ms_WhateverV

Kids wont go to sleep so I’m playing hide&seek. And now they’ll never find me, because they aren’t old enough to drive or get into this bar.

@jessokfine

Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here

@Fred_Delicious

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

@squirrel74wkgn

[on a date]

Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?