GUY #1: You free next week?
GUY #2: Let me just check my dairy.
GUY #1: You mean diary yeah?

*cow walks by with “dentist 11.30” on it*

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You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now


Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.


I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor


Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.


If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it


WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”


Kids wont go to sleep so I’m playing hide&seek. And now they’ll never find me, because they aren’t old enough to drive or get into this bar.


Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here


Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway


[on a date]

Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?